Alucard Learns Something New
by shamroc
Summary: Ooc as these are ment to be funny. Don't take it too seriously and don't flame me. It's a waste of your time as I really don't care. Reviews and constructive criticism appreciated greatly. :NOTE: i'm writing an actual book and am looking for betas...
1. Human For A Day

_**Human for a Day**_

_Okay, this is why I'm reposting my last two stories, and soon my next one: Thanks to my outburst (anyone who's read all of my stories knows what I'm talking about.) my story was taken off so now I have to repost and start over. Since I deleted all my ficlics except these two, _Alucard Learns Something New_ with now consist of only these two and the others that are added._

_Should you have my stories on favorite or something, could you please send them to me so I could upload them? Thank you all._

**Alucard: Humans are pathetic.**

**Shamroc: Who let you out?!**

**Seras: uh....me?**

**Shamroc: growls both of you, back in your cells till I let you out!**

**Seras: But why?**

**Shamroc: Because I said so.**

**Alucard: That's not a good reason.**

**Shamroc: Who asked you?! What are you still doing here?! BACK IN YOUR CELLS!!!**

**Alucard and Seras: Yes...**

**Integra: I told you.**

**Shamroc: Yea, yelling does work.**

****

**Alucard stalked down the halls, looking both sad and frustrated. He reached into his jacket and pulled out his Jackal and stared at it longingly. He wouldn't be able to use it until day after tomorrow night, when Integra's punishment wore off. **

**Flashback**

**"Alucard, you have been acting entirely too cocky lately. I believe you've forgotten your place." Stated Integra**

**"Is that so Master?" sneered Alucard from his spot hanging from the ceiling.**

**"Yes, so Walter and I have come up with a solution." She continued**

**Alucard raised an eyebrow, "Really."**

**"Walter!" Integra called**

**There was a moment of silence and then Walter walked in through the door to Integra's office.**

**"Is it time Sir Integra?" he asked**

**"Yes Walter, please continue." She ordered**

**"Yes Sir Integra." Walter bowed and turned to Alucard who had since come down from his spot on the ceiling**

**Walter started to mumble a few words that sounded like Greek. A white light started to glow around Alucard and form chains on his body.**

**"What the hell is this?!" he snarled at Integra**

**"Your punishment, you will be officially human for the next 48 hours." She smiled, "and, unless you start to behave, we will perform a stronger form of the spell. And if you still don't behave, I will personally turn you human."**

**Suddenly a brilliant light flashed, filling up the large room. When it had disappeared, Alucard stood in the same place with only subtle differences. His red eyes were now brown, and his skin took on a darker shade. **

**"You are dismissed." **

**End Flashback**

**That was yesterday, and despite his numerous and carefully thought out attempts to scare the employees, nobody took him seriously and therefore were never scared just annoyed. Apparently Integra took the liberty to tell the whole manor about his predicament. There was only one person he hadn't tried to terrify yet, and that was Seras. **

**Though she wasn't the bravest vampire, she did have guts and wasn't easy to scare like she used to be. But he was the great Alucard! He would find a way to scare her in his current state...**

****

**Alucard walked into Seras's room to find her cleaning her Halcannon (sp?) and whistling to herself. She greeted him without even looking up from her work.**

**"Hello Master. What brings you here?"**

**"I was just walking around, so I came in." he lied, thankful that he hadn't taught her how to tell if somebody was lying**

**"Oh, that's- Ahhhh!" she screamed**

**"What is it?!" Alucard half yelled half asked her**

**"Sp-Sp-SPIDER!" she stammered while pointed to the offending arachnid hanging from the ceiling**

**Letting out a very un-nosferatu-like snort as he walked over to the spider and squished it between his pointer finger and his thumb.**

**"You are pathetic Police Girl." He teased**

**"Spiders are disgusting!" she retorted**

**"I'm sure." He said to her over his shoulder as he walked out of her room.**

**He was up on the main floor before he remembered why he had gone into Sera's room in the first place. At first he was mad at himself for forgetting, then he realized something: Seras was petrified of the spider! He let out a bone-chilling laugh that he was happy he could still make. Determined to find another of the eight-legged creatures, Alucard started to walk down the first of many halls in the manor.**

****

**It was almost two hours later before Alucard found one of the miserable creatures. He had no idea how it was possible that in this entire Godforsaken place, that all of the halls were practically spotless. **

**He was outside of Seras's door, the little spider held very carefully in his hand. After all, he didn't want the little thing to bite him. Taking a deep breathe to stop him from laughing, he walked into Seras's room, a big grin spread across his face. **

**"Master!" Seras smiled when she saw him come in**

**At first he felt bad, stupid human feelings, then he pictured her reaction that was to occur and the feeling vanished from him completely. **

**"I have something for you Seras."**

**Her eyes lit up, "Really?! Lemme see!"**

**He waited until she was within reach and pulled his hand out from behind his back and up to her face. Slowly, he opened to his fist to present his 'present' to her, his grin growing bigger by every passing moment. **

**Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Seras's eyes grew to the size of bowling balls and her mouth opened and let out a deafening shriek. Instinctively Seras's slapped Alucard's hand in order to get the terrifying creature away from her and onto the floor so she could kill it. But the spider didn't land on the floor, it landed on Alucard's forehead where it proceeded to sink it's fangs into the soft _human_ skin and inject its poison.**

****

**A fuming Alucard sat in Integra's office with a snickering Seras sitting in a chair to his right. Walter stood next to Integra who was sitting in her office chair, both are trying desperately not to laugh aloud. And they had good reason.**

**On Alucard's normally pale forehead, there was instead a large, red welt with two little bite marks directly in the middle. **

**"And how did this happen?" Integra asked between snickers**

**Arucard let out a loud sigh, "I tried to scare Seras with a spider, she hit the hand that was holding it, it landed on my forehead and bit me. Really Master, I don't see the humor in this."**

**"You wouldn't would you?" she laughed, having given up on holding back the laughter**

**"You should have been there Sir Integra!" Seras giggled, "Master let out the funniest scream when he saw the spider coming at him!"**

**"Is this true?" Integra asked, started to laugh again, "You're afraid of spiders too?!"**

**Alucard opened his mouth to say something but his attention suddenly snapped to a spot on Integra's desk. A rather small spider was crawling over a piece of paper on her desk. With a loud snarl/shriek sound he crushed the spider with a closed fist. **

**"Guess that answers that." Integra stated and then started to laugh uncontrollably followed by Seras and then Walter.**

**Alucard: That wasn't funny.**

**Integra: I think so, don't you?**

**Walter, Seras, and Shamroc nod their heads.**

**Alucard: Humph, Humans! Storms off through the wall.**

**Integra: Baby.**

_That's it for now, I got my inspiration for this one because of my brother. He tried to catch a Wolf Spider, and it bit him! Ha Ha! Anyway, R&R!!!!_

_Shamroc_


	2. Chocolate

_**Chocolate**_

_Hello there, I'm finally back. This one is for all girls, and I hope ya'll like it. I wrote this because this is what my dad goes through at 'that-time-of-the-month'. Poor daddy... Heh heh..._

_**Chocolate**_

**Alucard rose from his coffin when he heard someone scream his name. Yawning, he realized that the said person, a.k.a. Sir Integra, was currently stomping down the hallway to his quarters, apparently extremely pissed at him for some reason. Suddenly the door to his quarters flew open, and Alucard figured out why she was so mad.**

"**Alucard!" she bellowed**

"**Master, you don't need to shout. I am after all right in front of you." He snickered**

"**Shut up!" she ordered**

"**May I inquire as to why you're honoring me with your presence?"**

"**Walter is in Russia for a funeral and I want chocolate NOW!" she yelled**

**Alucard's ears felt as if they were going to explode.**

"**Tell me Master, are you by any chance having your period?" he smirked**

"**Don't start with me servant!" she growled, "Now go and get me chocolate NOW!!!"**

**Chuckling to himself Alucard started to disappear when another shriek sliced through the air.**

"**Master!" Seras hollered**

**There was the sound of a slamming door and stopping feet and then Seras appeared in the doorway. **

**"Master get me brownies!" she howled**

**"What am I, your servant Police Girl?" he sneered**

**Seras stormed up to Alucard, grabbed his collar, and jerked his head to her level.**

**"Get me my brownies_ now_." She growled**

**"And my chocolate!" screamed Integra**

**Alucard visibly cringed for a moment, but regained his composure almost immediately.**

**"Fine!" he shouted as he disappeared.**

****

**The two women sat in the lounge, Integra surrounded by all sorts of chocolate products, and Seras across from her, dozens of boxes of brownies scattered at her feet. Occasionally she washed some of it down with a slurp of blood(the only time Alucard had ever seen her drink it willingly) from a packet, but otherwise only devouring the little pastries.**

**Alucard, meanwhile, sat in a corner pouting. For the past two days, all he had done was go out and buy their treats. It was pride crumbling that he, the greatest vampire in existence, was being a delivery boy for two females in menstruation. He watched as Seras got up and walked to the bathroom, most likely to change her tampon. Alucard shuddered at the mere thought of what she was most likely doing behind the door. **

**There was the sound of frustrated growls and a string of colorful curses from inside the bathroom and then the door flew open.**

**"Wha iz if Vicorfia?" asked Integra through a mouthful of fudge**

**"We're out of tampons!" she whined**

**There was a moment of silence and the both women looked at Alucard and grinned evilly. He slowly backed up to the wall, no, there was no way. He'd face down demons and anything else, but there was only so much that his pride could take.**

**"Alucard." Began Integra**

**"No Master, there's no way." He answered**

**"I _order_ you as leader of the Hellsing Organization to go and buy us more Tampax." **

**"And make them the Pearl ones Master." Added Seras**

**Integra nodded to Seras, "Yes, they need to be Pearl."**

**Alucard stood up straight, "No, I utterly refuse!"**

**"You disobey my orders Servant?!" Integra growled **

**"That's an abuse of power Master. I didn't think you would sink so low." He snickered**

**"Do it now Alucard, or I'll lock you back in your cell for another twenty years. "She threatened**

**"Yes Master." He grumbled as he disappeared**

**Alucard slipped into the store and cruised the isles for the Godforsaken products. He almost screamed out loud when he saw that they just happened to be in the isle right in front of the _female_ clerk's counter. Swallowing his pride, he slowly walked into the isle and swore he could hear the clerk laughing at him. When he was in the middle of the isle, he almost collapsed.**

**He didn't know that there were so many _kinds_. He was utterly surrounded by the damned things! Growling loudly, he snatched grabbed some boxes and started out of the nauseating place when Seras's voice rang in his head.**

**_"And make them the Pearls ones Master."_**

**Then Integra's:**

**_"Yes, they need to be Pearl."_**

**Praying for the first time in centuries, Alucard looked down at the boxes in his hands. They weren't Pearl.**

**"I truly am in hell." He growled as he scanned the shelves for the correct boxes**

**After what seemed like hours, Alucard found the containers and thought about fazing through the wall and back to the manor without paying. Then Integra's voice repeated in his head:**

**_"-buy us more Tampax"_**

**Baring his fangs he strode to the counter and dropped a dozen boxes on the table. There was no way in hell he was coming back here. The woman smirked as she rang up the total in what Alucard suspected to be as slow as humanely possible.**

**Finally she was done and she announced the total, Alucard immediately just slapped the bills on the table and ran through the doors. Suddenly he was violently pulled back and slammed into the doors. It was only after he had sat on the floor for a couple seconds listening to the clerk's hysterical laughter that he realized what had happened. Instead of keeping the bags close to his torso so they would faze through with him, he had simply launched himself at the door with his hands flying behind him so they hadn't fazed through. **

**Letting out a roar, he tore the door off its hinges, picked up the boxes, and sped off into the night. **

****

"**Took you long enough Master." Grumbled Seras as she snatched a box from his hands and disappeared into the bathroom**

**"Yes, what took you so long Alucard?" asked Integra, "Don't tell me running a simple errand is too much for you."**

**Alucard narrowed his eyes and howled. That was it, no more. He wasn't going to take this anymore; he didn't know how Walter usually dealt with this! **

**"I'll be back Master." **

**"Where are you going?!" Integra yelled**

**"To get Walter!" he yelled back**

**"Good! You're a horrible helper anyway! Hurry up! Why are you still here?!" she screamed**

**Alucard let out a frustrated howl and disappeared.**

**"What happened to Master?" asked Seras when she re-emerged from the bathroom.**

**"Hell if I know. He just started screaming for no reason. He always was such a baby." Grumbled Integra as she reached for a package of Chocolate Chip Cookies**

**"Poor Master." Seras said as she shook her head, "He just isn't a helping kind of person.**

**"Quite." Agreed Integra**

**"Perhaps we should be nicer?" **

**"Hm, I suppose."**

**Alucard returned, Walter slung across his broad shoulder.**

**"Master!" smiled Seras**

**"Walter? What are you doing Alucard?!" yelled Integra**

**Alucard looked at Integra like she had just grown another head.**

**"What are you talking about?! I just told you that I went to retrieve Walter so he could take care of you two lunatics!"**

**"You did no such thing! I order you to return Walter to his previous location!"**

**"No, it's quite alright Sir Integra, the funeral service is over." Stated Walter as he dusted himself off**

**"Alright Walter, now, could you please get me some more chocolate?" asked Integra**

**"Yes, and me some brownies? Please?" begged Seras**

**Alucard meanwhile merely looked at the scene before him with saucer-like eyes. Suddenly he let out an earthshaking cry and collapsed.**

**"Humph, serves him right. He's been completely useless for the past two days." Snorted Integra**

**"I agree completely Sir Integra." Nodded Seras**

_Ha ha! I hope you liked it! So review!!!_


	3. Neutered

Neutered

Alucard trotted around London in the pale moonlight. Integra had told him not to travel in his dog form, but he couldn't resist. He did however hide two pairs of eyes, leaving him with the normal number of two total eyes. He strode up to a young woman in a very short red leather skirt that was sitting on a park bench. Unfortunately her long creamy legs were crossed, but he soon forgot about that when she leaned forward to scratch his floppy ears, giving him an excellent view of two large and undoubtedly fake breasts. He pressed his head against them and gave a contented growl, enjoying one of the perks of being a 'lost' dog. She fingered his collar and absently said the inscriptions out loud.

"My name is Alucard and I'm the property of Integra Hellsing. I live at 1300 Girthing Drive. Please call 1-800-HELSING if I am lost." She murmured, "Awww. Poor puppy!"

He gave her his best puppy eyes and chuckled to himself. He'd show her how much of a 'puppy' he was in a little while…He let out a surprised 'yip' when she cupped his gonads. (A/n ha ha 'gonads'.)

"Oh? You're not neutered! I'll need to remind your owner about that new law." She sighed, "You see puppy, I'm a veterinarian, and I can't let you just go around impregnating all the girl puppies can I? Don't worry a snip snip and it'll be over. I'll return you to your owner first…" she mumbled

Alucard looked at the woman in front of him with bugged out eyes and his jaw agape. What were the chances that he _only_ time he disobeyed Integra's orders, he'd get into a situation like this! The now dubbed 'succubus from hell' clipped a leash that she had gotten from God-knows-where to his collar and led him to her car. He followed numbly, too shocked by the turn of events to resist.

"So you see Ms. Hellsing, I think it's in your best interest to have little Alucard her neutered as soon as possible. Which, if it's alright with you, I could do right here, I have to supplies in my car." Concluded the succubus from hell.

Integra looked at Alucard with a smirk, "Yes, I believe you're right Ms…?"

"Cadaver." Answered the woman

Alucard looked at the still dubbed 'succubus from hell' in shock for the second time in less that an hour. A veterinarian with a last name 'Cadaver'! What, did she have a brother who was a doctor too! And Integra, oh she was enjoying every minute of this!

**_Master, you can't be serious!_**

_Oh, I am Alucard. I gave you this time to go out and relax, and gave you only two rules; don't eat more than one person and don't go around in your Hellhound form. This is all your fault. Besides, there is a law stating that dogs in this area must be neutered unless part of a breeding program. So, snip-snip! HA! HA! HA! HA! _She cackled in her mind

"Please go retrieve you 'supplies' Ms. Cadaver. I would like to get this over as soon as possible."

"There is one problem, you see, I don't carry anesthetic with me. I just have some morphine; he'll feel 'them' being cut off. But he won't feel pain, well, maybe like a bee sting.

**_Bee sting! Come on! When does it actually feel like a bee sting!_** Alucard raged in his mind

Integra had to fight to stop from laughing out loud, "That is alright, he's a strong dog. He can take a 'bee sting'."

"Excellent!" giggled the apparently joyous Ms. Cadaver, "I'll be right back."

When she was gone, Alucard transformed back into his human form.

"Master, please, I'm sorry that I disobeyed but, really! Getting neutered!" he pleaded

Before Integra could reply the sounds of peppy footsteps could be heard coming down the hall.

"Did she sprint to her car and back or what!" he growled

"Change back Servant, it's time for your punishment for your disobedience." Chuckled Integra

"I'm back!" chirped the vet

"Good, now, where will you do this?" asked Sir Integra

"Um…do you have a stainless steel table by any chance?"

**_Sure, let her just pull one out from her-_**

"Yes I do, right here."

Alucard watched as Integra rose and pulled a stainless steel table from a secret compartment in the wall.

**_When the hell did she get that! _**He fumed

While he was fuming the woman picked him up, much to his surprise, and dropped him not-too-nicely onto the table. Before he knew it a needle was injected into his hip and for a moment he felt kind of droopy, but then his vampiric immune system kicked in and disintegrated the concoction inside his blood system.

**_If the morphine doesn't effect me, then that means that I'll-_**

He started to struggle the moment he realized what that meant but a pair of surprisingly strong, and cold, hands gripped his legs and spread them apart. He howled when a cold, sharp metallic thing touched his testicle and suddenly a searing pain spread throughout his groin. With another horrifying 'snip' the other was gone and he howled louder. His sensitive skin was burning from the apparently silver scissors and blood was all over. It would have taken days for them to grow back, but now it would take almost a week since she had used silver scissors.

"All done!" the succubus from hell giggled

**_That bitch enjoyed the whole thing! _**Whimpered Alucard as she licked his injuries.

"Go to bed Alucard, it's past your bedtime." Ordered Integra

Alucard slipped off the table and limped out of Integra's office, growling and whimpering the whole way. When he was gone, the two women started talking.

"I knew he would pull something like this. Thank you for your help Cleo." Thanked Integra

The woman smiled, revealing a pair of sharp canines, "It's no problem that was _so _much fun. Goodbye Sir Integra. "

"Goodbye, I will mail you your payment."

The woman gave a curt bow and disappeared into the shadows. Integra looked at the table where the pair of bloody scissors lay. She picked them up and placed them into a glass box that had been sitting on her desk, and placed them inside the bottom drawer.

"Just incase he gets a smart mouth again." She chuckled

_HA HA HA HA. That was fun to write! K then, review! I hope y'all liked it!_


	4. Dust Bunnies

A simple story to make your holidays full of laughs and giggles. I'm story to say that with my new computer I cannot upload my stories from that comp! I guess doesn't take Microsoft works. This sucks. So for Christmas, if any are interested, I want Microsoft Word. Thanks.

_Oh, and I', going to be uploading a new chapter for Skeletons pretty soon… Yea, guess that's it. Enjoy! _

Dust Bunnies 

Integra stared at the incredibly hideous mutt in front of her with somewhat pity. Alucard, at least for that day, was to be limited to that, and only that, form. This was because she was to have a meeting with Maxwell this evening and the only way he would come would be if Alucard was restrained publicly.

"You'll receive extra blood later on Alucard."

He did what she interpreted as a snort. Sighing to herself Integra turned and strode into the great hall where Maxwell waited.

The dog sat on its haunches, peering at something in the corner. Apparently oblivious to his surroundings, Alucard jumped slightly when called by Integra.

"What are you doing, servant?"

Had he not been restricted, Alucard would have simply told Integra what had caught his attention. Instead he just took a few steps back and revealed a dust lump about the size of a tennis ball.

"You're stalking a dust ball?"

Alucard let out a growl, his pride bruised. What did she think he was? A common mutt with no intelligence!

"Be gone with you. The spell should wear off by tomorrow evening. Until then, I want you out of sight. No mater how bored you are. Understood?" ordered Integra.

The hellhound grunted and slowly walked away, turning back once to glance back at the filth on the carpet floor. when he was gone, Integra bent over to retrieve the offense. Suddenly she let out a shout and jumped back.

It had ears. The dust ball had just grown ears. And Eyes. A pair of beady little eyes peered back at Integra.

"_Surly this can't be!" _Integra tried desperately to think of what Walter always mumbled about being at war against. Dust monsters? No… Dust…..Dust…..Rabbits? No, bunnies!

A growl was heard behind the female knight. She turned to see Alucard, shoulders hunched with his teeth bared in a snarl. Just as he was about to leap, the dust bunny's legs sprouted and it shot off into the foyer. Immediately Alucard gave chase.

Unfortunately Walter had bought a silver sculpture that had a small hole in the center and had placed it upon a low table. The bunny mad it through, Alucard didn't. Unable to break free from his blessed prison, it took his master a moment to get him free. Now enraged and humiliated, the hellhound shot off in the direction of the lint ball's scent, straight into the guest bedrooms.

Slowly Alucard slipped through the open door and listened for his prey's heartbeat. _Buhbumpbuhbumpbuhbump_. It was like the heart of a scared mouse coming from under the bed. He chuckled in delight.

Squirming to fit his large form under the low bed, Alucard finally reached his quarry. Small, round eyes looked at him in terror. Alucard was about to snap his jaws around the bunny when he noticed another pair of eyes. And another. And another. Suddenly he was surrounded! He felt thin strings beginning to wrap around his form and fought desperately to get out from under the bed. High-pitched chattering filled the darkness as they attacked him. A dozen rodents fell to his teeth and claws, but they overpowered him. Soon Alucard could no longer move. The last thing he saw was the buckteeth of one of his enemies.

Alucard groaned as a bright light flashed into his eyes. The chattering and squeaking was back. Walter's voice reached his ears.

"Alucard? Are you alright? Hold on there eol'chap, they're no match for my pledge!"

Alucard almost died, again, from the toxic chemicals that were pouring from the can in Walter's hand. It burned his nose and throat, and, thanks to his new restriction, he couldn't heal himself.

Then he was being dragged out from under the bed and into the bright light of the room. Sir Integra stood over him, Ceras next to her, and Walter still on his knees killing the monsters under the bed.

It was Ceras who freed him from his restraints and set him free to flee to his chambers in shame.

To think of it! The great Nosferatu Alucard, King of the Night, captured by rodents made of lint!

Just as Alucard disappeared through the doorway, Walter stood and looked Integra straight in the eye.

"I do believe I told you many times that they were real, Sir Integra."

Integra placed a new cigar in her mouth and lit it, "indeed you did Walter. Forgive me."

"Of course Sir Integra."

Integra nodded and turned away to return to her office, " Dismissed. Oh, and Walter,"

"Yes?"

"Deliver some extra packets to Alucard this evening. He's had an…….interesting night."

"Yes sir."

Pip stared at Alucard in a mixture of amusement and horror. The great vampire was covered in a large plastic outfit, much a parka, and was busy spraying deadly amounts of Pledge, Windex, and other assorted house ware in every nook, under every object, and in every room. He had been at it for hours, yet never told anyone why.

Another peculiar thing was the pouch that he had tied at his waist. Every so often, Alucard would let out an insane laugh, yell out something about another victory against the "enemy", and place what would appeared to be large amounts of dust into his pouch.

Once he had taken a ball and impaled it upon a pencil. Again laughing like a lunatic as if it was a real creature on the wood and not a simple ball of lint.

_Merry Christmas Everybody! _

Shamroc


	5. The Love of a Couch

_** Love of a Couch **_

Hi there peoples! Sorry for not updating for so long, but I had some rough times. Anyway, you don't want to know about that, you want to see a funny story! This one is kinda' adult, er, citrusy I guess. But not with a person…uh, just read and find out!

And so it begins… 

Seras sat on the plush couch in the barracks enjoying the peace and quiet. It was the men's favorite room in the Hellsing manor thanks to the pool table, bigscreen TV, video games, and the ridiculously large couch that Seras was currently sitting on. She estimated that the room would be empty for another half-hour at the maximum and decided to make the most of the silence. Sighing Seras sank into the cushions and closed her eyes to recuperate from her last mission.

The TV suddenly snapped on and Seras was treated to the site of two people fornicating. Desperately she began to look for the remote control to turn it off. She was about to check between the cushions when she felt the presence of her Master behind her.

"Seras…" he murmured, his breaths hot on the nape of her neck, "I know what you desire."

Blushing much more than a vampire should be able to Seras tried to play ignorance.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Laughing softly Alucard turned her head to face the TV to watch the couple on the screen. Seras whimpered when the strangers became her and Alucard.

"I'll give you what you want, Seras." God how she loved how he said her name, "Do you accept my offer?"

Seras barely hesitated, "Yes, oh yes."

He tilted her head so he could kiss her over her shoulder and tore her blouse opened with his other hand. He leaned back and they fell back onto the couch. Alucard ravaged her pliant body like a wild animal, tearing her clothes while his own faded away. She tried to tell him something but he never gave him the chance to speak.

Growling savagely Alucard pinned her with his weight and thrusted into her body. She wasn't as wet as he would have liked, (actually, barely at all) but he was too far-gone to care. His lips and hands were all over her, encouraging her to explore him. She groaned in need and Alucard though he heard her tell him to 'put it in already', but he dismissed it and thrusted harder and faster.

His cock burned in pleasure (or was it pain?) as he raced towards his release. Her cavern was seemingly endless and he couldn't get enough.

A light suddenly exploded behind his eyes and he roared his conquest. Slowly he came back to earth, still thrusting into her now sopping glove, and was immensely pleased with her 'obvious' orgasm.

Alucard, a smug grin on his face, looked down at his queen. Seras, meanwhile, didn't have the same expression. Instead she looked rather perplexed and disappointed. Alucard chalked that up to his lack of romance and gave her a chaste kiss to comfort her.

"_Such_ a good girl, Seras." He murmured, "Perhaps tonight we can play again." Then his clothes reappeared and he strolled out of the room.

Still in shock Seras just laid there on the couch, her clothes scattered around her form. Wordlessly she pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked at her boy short panties that were still completely intact. She stared at her underwear for what seemed like hours until she heard the sound of the doorknob turning.

Panicking Seras hastily grabbed the remnants of her uniform and shot past a bewildered Pip and fled to her basement bedroom. For a few minutes Pip just stood in the doorway gaping in the direction Seras had run, his bottom jaw at his knees at the site of a half-naked Seras. Just before he had seen Alucard looking not only like a cat that had eaten a canary, but one that had found the canary nest and eaten them too.

Shaking his head at the strange behavior of the two vampires he walked to the couch (which looked strangely disheveled) and plopped down. The air smelled kind of funny, but he couldn't place the scent.

"Where the hell's the remote?" he grumbled, twisting around to survey the room for the device, 'Probably in the cushions,' he concluded when he didn't see it.

Pip rammed his hand between the two cushions and shrieked when his hand didn't just grab the remote, but was submerged in a sticky substance. Swearing he immediately retracted his hand in utter disgust.

"What the fuck-?" Pip whispered as he stared at the red-tinted slime that covered his fingers and his square prize. He watched in sick fascination as some of it started to droop to the floor, the connection with his hand never breaking even as it hit the carpeting.

As he stood there gawking the pieces began to fit together in his head: a naked Seras, the musky smell, sticky stuff between the cushions, and an extremely satisfied Alucard. Pip looked from his hand to the couch and back to his hand again before bursting out laughing. While laughing the magnitude of just what exactly was covering his hand finally hit him.

Meanwhile, in Integra's office… 

"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Integra's head shot up from her paperwork, "Walter, did you hear that?"

"Er, hear what, Sir Integra?"

"…nevermind."

"Ah, very well."

The End 

Ha-ha, I got that one from making fun of a friend of mine. (I'm such a good friend, can't you tell?) Well, I hope now you see why I wasn't sure about my warning. After all, can you call it a lemon when they weren't having sex with each other? Or is it just lime? Hm….no matter. I just hope that you liked it and would kindly give me a review!

_ Shamroc_


	6. Trophy Hunt

Trophy Hunter

Alucard stood grinning before his prey, Jackal held loosely in one gloved fist. Laughing insanely he fired and watched in delight as the Freak's head exploded and his body turned to ash. Still chuckling he turned to tell the waiting Hellsing team and his Master 'mission accomplished'.  
: A/N- Think about in the last scene in Impure Souls where Integra talks to Alucard:  
"Who?"  
Alucard paused and stretched his senses to determine who had questioned him. He found no undead activity, and was excited at the thought of a challenge.  
"I am Alucard, Trash man of the Hellsing Organization."  
"Who?"  
"I am the great nosferatu Alucard, King of the Night."  
"Who?"  
Alucard suddenly developed a twitch under his right eye, "Are you that pathetic that you know not whom you face? Hah! Come and I will give you the kiss of death."  
"Who?"  
In a blur of movement Alucard whirled around and fired in the direction of the voice. He was pleasantly surprised to see that nothing moved in response.  
"Bravo, you didn't jump? Or perhaps you're frozen in fear? That your lack of action is out of cowardice rather than bravery?" He sneered  
"Who?"  
"Come out, you waste of flesh! Fight me like a true midian!"  
"Who?"  
"I'm Alucard!" he roared

Meanwhile…  
"Err, Sir Integra?"  
"Yes, Seras?"  
"Don't you think we should tell him?"  
Integra pondered for a moment, silently nibbling on the end of her cigar, "No, let's see if he can figure it out. Its not often we see the No-Life-King bested. Don't you agree, Commander Victoria?"  
"Uh, yes sir, Sir Integra." Ten minutes later with Alucard…  
"Who?"  
With a maniacal laugh Alucard withdrew both his weapons and fired in all directions, destroying everything within twenty feet of him. He continued shooting until the guns began firing blanks, and, for the first time in centuries, took in several deep breaths to try and calm himself.  
"Who?"  
"I AM VLAD TEPES! THE GREAT IMPALER! DRACULA!"  
There was an awkward pause, and then:  
"Who?"  
Alucard let out a frustrated roar and pulled viciously at his hair. Snarling ferociously he burst into shadows and then swiftly morphed into numerous monstrous hounds. They howled in ravenous hunger and trampled the surround woods. Within seconds all the vegetation was flattened to the ground for but an ancient oak that had barely withstood the merciless barrage. Moving within the slowly settling dust were the mongrel dogs, desperately sniffing at the ground for any trace of the enemy.  
"Alucard," Integra called  
All of the hounds' heads looked at Integra. Wordlessly she raised her berretta and fired a single round into the dense canopy of the single remaining tree. A high-pitched squawk was heard and then the sounds of something big falling from the top branch and hitting almost every branch on the way down. Suddenly a large owl dropped from the tree to the ground with a loud "thud". Immediately the six canines thundered over, merged and transformed back into Alucard, and stood over the carcass. He picked up the remains and was all was completely silent for a few moments. And then:  
"A-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"  
The entire Hellsing crew, including Integra, openly gaped at Alucard as he bellowed his victory cry.  
"Ah, Sir?"  
Integra never looked away from Alucard, "M-hm?"  
"I think we should leave now."  
"Uh, yes, you're probably right." Integra agreed, almost speechless at the sight of Alucard, "Move out." She ordered  
For a second no one moved, unable to tear themselves away from the spectacle that was the still shrieking Alucard. It wasn't until Integra snarled at them to get their worthless hides moving that they snapped out of their shock and scampered off to the armored trucks they had arrived in, the image of Alucard finally losing what was left of his sanity forever burned into their minds.

Days Later…  
Walter walked down the hall to Alucard's quarters, box in hand. Ever since the…event a few days prior everyone in the manor had left the vampire king alone. Even Pip, who loved to pester the nosferatu, had shied away from all contact with him.  
But today a large package had arrived with, surprisingly, Alucard's original name, Vlad Tepes, as its owner. The old butler had to admit that he was curious as to what the No-Life-King had received. After all, who sends something to a three hundred year old vampire? To make things even more suspicious there was no return address. Just "Mr. Vlad Tepes" on a large white sticker on the top of the cardboard box alongside another sticker that had "fragile" written on it.  
Finally Walter reached the door. Before he could even knock the door was torn off of its hinges and the package ripped out of Walter's hands. Alucard attacked the box like a rabid animal, shredding the cardboard and sending packing popcorn everywhere. When the storm of Styrofoam finally settled Walter could see the vampire holding a stiff feather creature. For a moment Alucard just stared, softly stroking the stuffed bird, as Walter stared in utter amazement.  
Alucard, ignoring the shell-shocked butler, turned and walked deeper into him room and reverently placed it upon the mantle above his stone fireplace. Deciding that it was safer not to disturb the vampire, who was now smiling like a triumphant hunter would after bagging an eight point buck, Walter slowly backed up a few feet and scuttled down the hallway and up the stairs to tell Integra the 'development'.


	7. Snowmen and the Vampires Within

_**I'm really sorry about my grammar! I fixed it up so now it should make much more sense!**_

_Late, but worth it I hope._

**_Snowmen and the Vampires Within_**

Seras was pissed. Of course if somebody asked if she was pissed she would say "of course not, I'm just a bit irritated" since proper ladies never said they were pissed. And, as everyone in the Hellsing manor knew, Seras wasn't anything if not a proper lady. But for the sake of conveying her mood this author shall say she was mighty pissed. Naturally she had a reason to be so angry, and it could be fully explained with one simple word:  
Alucard. _(Or 'Arucard' for all the Japanese and/or the complete die-hard otakus out there. Ya' weirdoes.)__  
_ One would think that the "mighty" nosferatu would be a bit more modest after his recent "adventures" had turned into terrible (but hilarious) fiascos. But no, instead of trying to act moderately civil to everyone he became even more of a bastard. Once again Seras would never call Alucard a "bastard" out loud, she barely whispered it in her thoughts, but would rather call him a "poo-poo head" or some other such nonsense. Since that makes the author feel utterly ridiculous and juvenile the slur "bastard" and others of its nature will be used instead.   
Alucard's favorite way of establishing his dominance was by terrorizing his little Police Girl. This was immensely satisfying for him and hugely discouraging for Seras. His head would phase through her showerhead while she was bathing, and his insane cackle resounded in her head while she desperately fought off ghouls and Freaks during missions. He would possess his stuffed owl and perch it on her chair to watch her drink her blood the moment the sun set with eyes like a deranged, starved creature. It had to stop. But how could she best the Undead King?  
Sighing Seras exited the manor and looked at the relatively untouched pristine snow that covered the entire expanse of the front yard. She had just got done with "dinner", with the audience of the owl, and now had nothing to do.  
'Maybe I can make some snow angels. Or maybe even a snow-'  
Seras didn't even bother finishing the thought. Rather, she just smiled, revealing her pearly fangs in a sadistic grin that would have made Alucard proud.

**THIS IS A BREAK IN SCENERY AND TIME…PERHAPS EVEN AN EVENT. I'M NOT SURE.**

Alucard strode up the freshly plowed driveway in the direction of the manor. The night's mission had been surprisingly satisfying, especially since he'd discovered a new way to make Freaks blow up. Not to mention the deafening screech one of the females had made when he squished her under a cement truck that had been parked nearby. Alucard was a firm believer of utilizing one's surroundings.  
It was while he was basking in his own splendor and ingeniousness that he realized that he was not alone. All around him were dozens, perhaps hundreds, of snowmen and women. Some of the creations were life-size while others were rather short. Closer inspection showed that these were snow children. Who the hell had made these things?   
_'And why make them so pitifully boring? Why don't they have wings or fangs? Horns or cloven feet? What's wrong with werewolves or dragons? What makes _human_ snow creatures so special?'__  
_ Now fully insulted on behalf of monsters in this world and the next, Alucard set out to "fix" the snowmen to fit his standards.

**YET ANOTHER BREAK IN SCENERY ALL THAT. I FEEL I MUST EXPLAIN THAT IM DOING THIS IN BOLD SINCE THE DAMN WEBSITE ALWAYS SEEMS TO ERASE MY FRIGGIN' BREAKS.**

KNOCK KNOCK  
"Come in."  
Walter quietly opened the door and stepped inside before closing it, "I believe there is something you should see, Sir Integra."  
Puzzled Integra stood from her desk and started to walk to Walter and follow him wherever this phenomenon was. "What is it?"  
"Ah," Unsure of what to say Walter moved passed Integra and to the massive windows behind her desk,"have a look."  
'What in the wor-" Integra froze at the sight before her, "Is he making snowmen?"  
Walter shook his head, "No, I saw Seras building those a while ago. It seems he's correcting them."  
"He just gave that one wings and a second head."  
"Ah, yes, Sir, he did."  
For a moment no one said a word and silence ran unchecked.  
"I have a feeling that something is about to happen, Walter."  
"I agree, Sir Integra."

**MORE BREAKS. AREN'T YOU EXCITED?! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? EVEN IF YOU DON'T CARE AND HATE THESE THINGS, YOU'RE STILL READING THEM! HA! I AM WASTING YOUR TIME AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!**

Almost two hours later Alucard was nearly finished with his task. There was only one more snowman left. Actually it was a snowwoman, but he didn't really care. What he did care about was what he was going to transform it into.  
Pondering intently Alucard took a step back and surveyed his work.   
_ 'I am a genius.'_ He grinned as his gaze landed on every single snow monster that now inhabited the yard. Normally when somebody performs a task that involves transforming numerous objects into other things they start to run out of ideas as they progress. Alucard, however, didn't have such a problem. In fact, he had saved his best idea for the last snowman. It was going to be magnificent. It was going to be awe inspiring, forcing all who saw it to either flee in terror or bow down to its greatness.  
It was going to be a sculpture of himself impaling Integra on a spike. Of course for his own safety he wasn't going to make it too detailed so he could avoid himself being staked. Everyone would suspect, Integra included, but none would be able to prove just who the screaming woman was.   
Chuckling to himself Alucard bent down to the "unfinished" sculpture and began to remove the enormous breasts that it sported. And that's when all hell broke loose.

**…………JEEZ….**

"Is he groping that one?"  
"…He is spending a bit of time on it…" Walter admitted  
"Perhaps because it's the same temperature as hi-"

**…THIS IS GETTING ANNOYING. DON'T YOU AGREE? YOU DO? WELL, TOO BAD.**

Suddenly the figure exploded and an inhuman shriek tore through the frigid air. Despite its impressive volume level it was completely drowned out by Alucard's own screech of terror. His brain, unused to complete and utter shock and horror, shut down totally and Alucard's 6'5 frame fell to the ground with the grace of a redwood tree.  
In place of the snowwoman Seras rolled on the frozen ground in euphoria, her hands clutching her aching stomach as she laughed uncontrollably and tears of blood poured down her cheeks. She continued to cackle helplessly for a few more moments before she was able to calm down a bit and actually stand.  
Wiping tears from her eyes Seras stood over Alucard's form and looked down. She stayed like that for a while, waiting for him to get up. She wasn't sure why she was, after all he'd probably try and kill her once he woke up, but Seras had the strange thought that all the tortures and punishments he could possibly do to her would be worth it if she could just see his face the second he woke up.  
But he didn't wake up and she just stood there surrounded by an eerie silence. Actually, it wasn't completely silent. There was this odd "thumping" sound that just kept going…Stranger still, it seemed to be coming from Alucard…  
"Oh no." Seras leaned down and placed her ear just above where Alucard's heart was, "Oh God, I've jumped-started Master!"

**THIS IS THE LAST ONE. SO JUST CHIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.**

"Oh dear, I think he's dead." Walter gasped  
"Again?"

**…………………………Crap.**

Integra sat behind her desk, her mouth agape at Alucard. The normally pale face was now a healthy peach and there was, dare she say it, a slight blush on his cheeks. This wasn't the first time she'd seen him as a human, but this was the first time that she had no idea how long the change would last or even if it would ever stop.  
"I've become aware of an issue between you and Seras, Alucard."  
He twitched, "You could call it that, Master."  
"Yes, well." She cleared her throat, "You are not to attack or harm your fledgling in any way, mentally or physically. Do you understand?"  
"I'm human, not deaf."  
Given his condition Integra decided to let the comment slide, "Then you are dismissed."  
Alucard nodded and strode to the door. Instead of opening it and exiting, however, he simply walked right into it. He bounced off of the oak doors and took two steps back, all the while staring at the door with extreme hatred.  
"Ah, you have to turn the kn-"  
"I KNOW HOW TO OPEN A DOOR!" He bellowed before whipping open both of the doors.  
He'd barely taken a step before the door snapped back and slammed into his broad back, flinging him face first into the opposite wall. He made no sound as he slid down the wall to the floor, the blood from his undoubtedly broken nose showing his path.  
Integra merely shut and locked the doors. Out of sight, out of mind.

**_Better, I hope._**

_**Shamroc**_


	8. The War Begins

**Simple and not very exciting, this is to set the groundwork for my next chapter, which will no doubtably make you all piss yourself. Hope this is good enough for now**

**Shamroc**

There is a certain tradition that all tourists are obligated to follow whenever they visit a new country: obtain a souvenir to remind them of the region and take it home whether or not the local Customs officers approve. As a result of this countries such as the United States and Britain are home to thousands if not millions of items/species that are technically illegal to have. This was why tigers are found in trailers and other such nonsense.

It seemed that despite the fact that the only reason she was in Argentina to begin with was because she was needed to help fight a horrifying war Seras was unable to resist the urge to take something back home. By the time she remembered, however, she was about to board the plane back to London and was very short on time and choices. So, she did what she could and snatched the first live thing she sensed in the area.

Seras didn't even bother to glance at the stunned creature in her hand but merely shoved it inside her ample chest and sprinted onto the plane and into her casket to sleep off the ride. Lack of oxygen forced the poor animal into unconsciousness, which saved it from being noticed by the rather tired Alucard and very likely saving its life.

Upon her arrival at Hellsing Seras immediately sped down to her room and unbuttoned her blouse. When nothing came out she spread her enormous cleavage and out dropped not only her unwilling companion but also a set of a keys, a tube of lip gloss, her cell phone, and a dust bunny crumpled almost beyond recognition. Unable to see past the large globes in her hands, Seras didn't see the creature leap to its feet, grab the dust bunny carcass, and dash out of her room. By the time she pushed them against her chest so she could see the floor around her feet it was gone and she was left standing alone in the room holding herself, incredibly confused and heartbroken.

Alucard's days were rather routine even though the entire world was on the verge of war. He mainly spent his time stalking the halls for dust bunnies, conversing with his owl, or planning ways to murder the Police Girl's feline friend without being blamed for it. Today he sat in his favorite chair in the basement, his mood perplexed. As the Nosferatu of the house he took it upon himself to know all the beings inside via feeling their life forces with his senses. There were very few things that could avoid his detection: dust bunnies as they technically didn't have blood….and that was about it. Among the things he kept track of was the aforementioned cat from hell.

No longer a kitten the beast was full grown and the size of a small dog. It frequently stalked the area around his lair and would periodically slink into his quarters during the day and yowling on top of his casket. After several attempts on his part to eradicate said heathen Integra had placed a spell upon 

his resting place to keep him inside of it during the day unless directly called by her. When the cat had realized he no longer could come out it had taken to leaving "presents" in the way of fecal matter upon the lid.

At the moment he could sense it approaching his location, a feeling of malice filling its aura. Very close to it was…something that felt almost like vampiric. Intrigued and a bit nervous as the what was going to happen now, his days as of late had been anything but normal and very embarassing to say the least, Alucard sipped his wine and waited.

Within minutes the cat was in the room and Alucard nearly choked on his wine at the sight before him. Sitting astride its mount like a warrior king was a small reptilian humanoid creature chewing on what looked to be a dust bunny. Immediately the No Life King felt a bond of kinship forming with the hideous reptile. Not only did it fight against one of his greatest enemies but it had managed to wrangle the beast that was his fledgling's pet as its personal pony. Admiration filled him and he immersed himself in his new ally's mind to see what it wanted with him.

The creature gladly told him of its days in the humid south, attacking livestock and small children daily and drinking their blood. Its happy nostalgia turned furious when he came to talk about being viciously kidnapped and smothered for hours by the giant woman he called, "la Punta." He demanded revenge and said he had come to enlist the aid of the No Life King, who he had felt to be the strongest presence in the household and a creature much like himself. He also assured the midian of his mount's commitment to the cause as la Punta had apparently made the mistake of not feeding him his favorite cat food, instead buying the one that was on sale. A very serious offense indeed.

Cackling insanely Alucard agreed to join the creature and began to plan a means to attack her. He still owed her for that little incident in the front yard with the snowmen…

**To be continued soon…**


End file.
